03 March 2011

Day Twenty-Three: Finding Joy

One day last spring, I awakened to something that I had never really felt before – forgiveness and joy. Happy. I was happy, truly happy, for the first time that I could actually remember, even though there were moments across my life that I thought I was happy. I was happy marrying my husband. I was happy birthing my children. I was happy being with my grandparents. But, even the joy in those events was paled in comparison to the complete heart laughter that I was feeling as I woke up still on this side of death.

Then, “it” happened.

I took it back.

All of the hurt, anguish, and fear; the feelings of worthlessness and rejection; the loneliness- I reached right out and brought them all back into my clutches. One sign of trouble and I was grasping for the “comfort” of the known, the life I was used to rather than facing the unknown with the strength of grace, thanksgiving, and joy.

"Eucharisteo. Thanksgiving precedes the miracle.” (Voskamp, 2010)

That day late last May, when I kissed death good-bye and said hello to joy, seems like a lifetime ago. It has been. Yet again my life has changed.

I am finding those soul smiles and heart laughs all over again. In the thanksgiving I am finding the joy and, in turn, more to be thankful for. I am truly blessed.

23. I am thankful for the message, “It’s not your time yet” – and for the Message that says He is waiting for me when it is.

One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are

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